Dedicated to the following users:
@Babysharkboss2 for being woman.
@MinOverHeaven for somehow surviving these stories.
@Dictator Red for Swedish Fish
@Dark!insanity!sans for peeing on Giorno's dead corpse & documenting hell!
@Franthebeserker for killing the IRS.
And @TheGuyWhoMakesAnimeArtOrSomething for being The Postal Dude's boyfriend. (Yeah, it's canon.) Enjoy la story!
The story:
Every time you think something would be normal for once. It doesn't agree and makes your life weirder! When you thought the madness won’t stop. It just won’t! That’s what Hol Horse’s life was now. Just weird as hell and filled with stuff that gave Minoverheaven PTSD.
Hol Horse sighed as he walked out of the Burger King. He was pissed because he didn’t get those tasty whoppers. Now he has to get Cs a new KFC-Deep fryer!
Really? The Cowboy thought. Why would that donut man want a KFC-deep fryer?! This can’t be! He was leaning on the wall until he was interrupted.
A tall ginger guy wearing a trench coat and sunglasses appeared. His sun patch was rather surprising. He held a petition in his hand with a psychotic smile on his face.
“Hi there,” The man said while pointing at the petition. “Would you like to sign my petition?”
The cowboy then screamed out the victory screech from Spongebob and took the petition out of the dude’s hand. Followed by him violently signing the petition. He then passed it to the dude.
“Thanks!” The Dude said, still having that twisted smile.
Hol Horse then sighed. “Hey, Postal Dude!” He said with a tone indescribable. “Where should I find a KFC-Deep fryer?!”
The Postal Dude chuckled, he then nodded. “Yeah! I found one of them at that KFC over there!”
He then pulled out a shotgun and started walking toward the KFC.
“Well damn!” Hol Horse said. “Let's get over there.”
He followed the Postal Dude to the KFC. The said KFC was rather filled to the brim with people.
Families were eating with children. People were ordering food from the driveway. And a fat Giorno fan was eating twenty chicken sandwiches.
“Overall, the place looked like absolute rock-hard donkey d*ck!” The Postal Dude said, opening the door with a gun in hand.
“Why do you have to say such weird a** sh*t?” Hol Horse replied, summoning his stand.
“Because I can!” The Postal Dude replied, turning his head at Hol Horse with an annoyed look. “Now shut up! Let’s go and save my boyfriend and get that deep fryer!”
“WAIT WHAT?” Hol Horse replied.
Both of the gunmen entered the KFC. Everyone in the establishment didn’t react to this. The two hitmen walked towards the counter of the restaurant. An employee was on the other side, having the worst day of her life.
“Welcome to KFC! How may I help you?” said Min in a depressing tone.
“Damn it!” Hol Horse said. His face filled with more concern. “Min, what happened? You look really sad!”
Min sighed. “Well, it’s because Babysharkboss & Cs were writing stories that were so cursed that it gave me critical depression among a slew of other mental issues!” Min replied, “And now I’m working at the worst chicken restaurant in town! And it’s all because of two Wiki users overdosing on Swedish Fish!”
“Well damn!” Hol Horse replied with an even worse expression… “I’m sorry! Anyways, do you have a KFC deep-fryer? Cs needs a new one fo-”
The Postal Dude suddenly interrupted, aiming his shotgun at Min's face. “WHERE’S FLIM!”
“WHAT?” Min yelled back. “Flim? He’s somewhere in here. It’s just that the manager didn’t tell me anything else! But I can confirm he's at the KFC! Also, why do you want to know where Flim is?"
The Postal Dude chuckled at Min before pointing the gun at her. "Because he's my boyfriend! Also, would you please sign my petition?" He then pulled out the petition.
Min sighed, she was tired of all this madness she was in. She sighed and signed the petition.
"TOO much information Dude!" She replied. "Now will you order something?"
The Postal Dude then lowered the gun. He then turned to the cowboy. "Okay! Looks like we have to go and stay here for a bit. Right Hol Horse?"
Hol Horse nodded. "Yeah, we should do that!"
Suddenly a noise was heard. Everyone in the restaurant looked at who came in. Hol Horse's face was filled with dread.
"Dude, do you see what I'm seeing?" The cowboy asked.
"Yeah," The Dude replied. "I see what you're seeing."
There, standing there was the second-worst president in US history. And one of the biggest villains in the Cold War story arc… Min narrowed her eyes, oh God, it's happening again!
"How's it going my fellow Americans?" Said Richard Nixon, his face having a weird smile.
The two gunmen looked at each other, then at Nixon.
“Wait, OH NO!” Hol Horse yelled out, “It’s the worst president in the cold war story arc!”
Nixon whimpered. “Hey! That hurt my feelings! At least I made the environmental protection agency!”
The Postal Dude nodded. “I mean, he’s got a point there!”
Min was going to say something. But she didn’t because she had a job to do!
“BUT THAT’S THE ONLY THING GOOD ABOUT HIM!” Hol Horse yelled out in rage. “He cheated! He extended a pointless war! He ate cottage cheese & ketchup for BREAKFAST! WHO EATS A BREAKFAST WITH COTTAGE CHEESE & F**ING KETCHUP!”
Nixon scoffed. He then walked towards Hol Horse.
“Hey! I was still the president though! I did good things!”
“Your nickname’s Tricky Dick! When does anyone named Tricky DIck do good things?”
The Postal Dude sighed and walked between the cowboy and the president. Pointing his shotgun at the two.
“Hey, both of you calm down! We can’t be fighting like this! I have a guy to save. So both of you shut up or I’ll fill one of you with lead!”
Hol Horse simply sighed. He pulled out his stand, the emperor, and replied with a “You're killin' me smalls!”
Suddenly, a doll came with a cleaver. It chopped Nixon’s neck in half. Causing crimson to be spilled all over the floor. Hol Horse jumped back, Postal Dude smiled and Min’s expression didn’t change at all. “What happened?” Hol Horse said in fear.
“Don’t know,” Min stated, she sighed and got the mop. She then hollered out “Dark! BF! Get the cleaning equipment! I also want Fran to be the cashier for a while!”
Dark & Boyfriend (Yes, that boyfriend. FNF is in the lore, get used to it.) Went out with cleaning supplies and a bodybag, and started cleaning the body of the president, cleaning and disposing of Nixon’s body. Min used the mop to clean out the blood. Fran headed out a minute later, smiling like a murder of a world leader didn’t happen!
While our trio of KFC employees was doing this. Hol Horse and Postal Dude looked at the doll. It just started running around in mania. Screaming out the Better Call Saul theme song. Hol Horse sighed.
“Oh, God! I think I know who did that?” Hol Horse replied with dread in his eyes.
“That doll?” The Postal Dude asked, his eyebrow raised.
“NO! It’s the guy who is controlling the doll!”
The Postal Dude sighed. Really? The Dude thought. All I wanted was to save my boyfriend. Can’t I get a break from stand users?!
Too bad for the Postal Dude, he can’t get a break. A man of Native American descent came. He smelled like old beer and tobacco. He was wearing a tall brown coat with cut-out sleeves with gloves that almost covered his forearms. His blue jeans were rather weird and made a squishing sound somehow. He was wearing no shirt. Exposing his chest to the environment. His scars were countries on his body. His green eyes were made of pure rage. Hol Horse was shaking. It didn’t help that the man had a box with Boingo in it.
“Oh!” The cowboy said nervously. “Hey, Devo! How’s it doing?!”
Devo chuckled and threw Boingo on the ground. He then madly chuckled as he pointed at the cowboy.
“HOL HORSE!” He yelled out, “YOU DIDN’T GET ME MY WHOPPERS! Now it’s time for you and your loved ones to pay!”
Postal Dude scoffed and loaded his shotgun. “Looks like someone has been listening to My Chemical Romance!”
“SHUT UP!” Devo yelled out, flipping off The Postal Dude, “I’ve also captured everyone’s romantic partners and will be planning to blow them the f*ck up like it’s a Micahel Bay movie!”
Everyone in the room gasped collectively, Min sighed. Oh no! She thought, NOT AGAIN!
Everyone got up and started running in various places. People were screaming, dashing and overall suffering because of the crazy guy with his doll he controlled using Ebony Devil. Boingo started shaking nervously, Hol Horse & The Postal Dude simply aimed their guns at the man. Devo madly cackled like a psychopath in reply.
Dark turned to BF, his face filled with confusion.
“Hey man,” Dark said with a raised eyebrow. “Why do we get the weirdest customers?”
BF shrugged. “It’s Morioh, what do you expect?”
People ran off, and eventually, other KFC employees came in. Hol Horse gasped in surprise.
Dictator Red & Josuke were also KFC employees; they came and surrounded Devo. Guns & stands as well as a mic were aimed at the man.
“Any last words?” Hol Horse said with a smirk.
Devo madly cackled. He grabbed Boingo by the shirt. He then pointed behind him. “Oh, I don’t!”
A rumbling was heard. A loud, destructive rumbling shook the establishment.
“What was that?!” Min yelled out.
Suddenly almost everyone screamed and argued. The army of voices of the workers & the four customers left was booming until The Postal Dude and BF pointed outside.
“Guys…” BF said while shaking. The cyan-haired rapper & fast food worker pointed outside. “Why is there a kaiju outside?!”Hol Horse and Josuke immediately turned outside. What was outside was a giant cockroach, with big yellow eyes, it roared out in rage. Its drill hands were destructive.
“OH, GOD!” Hol Horse yelled while hugging BF for dramatic effect. “IT’S MEGALON!”Min sighed. “Why do I even bother going to work?” she asked herself, seeing the absurd event taking place in front of her. Everyone looked outside.
Devo cackled once again. “Looks like we’re going to have a BLAST! Eh, Hol Horse?”
Hol Horse widened his eyes. The Cowboy was shaking.
“Oh, God!” The Cowboy said, “What can get worse?”
Unfortunately for Hol Horse, he was in a story written by Cs, so anything can get worse!
Suddenly a door was busted down. And now the people helping Devo came. As two of the evilest Jojo Wiki villains of all time, Giorno Giovanna & Woodrow Wilson came in wearing nothing but Hanes underwear. Everyone was shocked. They all looked back as they saw the two evil-doers' lack of clothing.
“MY EYES!” Dictator Red yelled out. Fran sadly wasn’t fast enough and died of a heart attack.
“NO!” Min yelled. “Then who’s going to replace me when I quit?”
Josuke sighed. He pointed his finger at the president & the mob boss wearing nothing but boxers.
“PUT ON SOME CLOTHES! You literally killed Fran! That’s not cool!” Josuke said. Megalon roared out, shaking the building.
Gionro laughed. “Don’t you know?” Suddenly, Giorno revealed the most diabolical plan he ever made. Devo pulled out Flim, covered in chains, his eyes filled with tears & dread. His clothes had several holes in them. Also, Wilson was physically abusing him by smacking his head with Giorno merch & KKK memorabilia.
The Postal Dude widened his eyes, clenched his shotgun, and started to load it.
Everyone was silent. Even Megalon shut up at the sudden appearance of Flim.
Boingo was the first to say something. "WHAT THE HELL! W-why t-th-the hell would anyone ever do such a thing? Especially to someone like Flim?"
"Someone who's evil!" The Postal Dude replied. He aimed the shotgun at the God awful anime guy and racist president. "Time to die, you a**holes have messed up with my boyfriend for the last time!"
Hol Horse & Dictator RED gasped.
"Wait," Josuke asked. "They messed with Flim before?"
The Postal Dude chuckled like a madman in reply. "Yeah! These morons were always messing with me! Ever since some donut man wrote a story about a cowboy fighting a giant whelk and posted it on the Internet. These two f*ckers have been doing several evil things. Evil things like beating up little kids, going to Klan meetings, and even worse… enjoying Jojo part 5!"
Suddenly everyone gasped again. By this point, Wilson and Giorno were cackling like mad dogs on crystal meth. Megalon screams out as Godzilla comes back to fight him.
The two Kaiju clashed. As Godzilla smacked the giant cockroach’s face with Moriah's local Burger King. Megalon screams in fury.
While this was happening (why the hell does this story honestly exist?!) Hol Horse looked at Min with a confused tone.
"Does this happen all the time?"
"YES!" All of the KFC employees replied at the same time.
Min sighed. "Yeah… and I hate my job because of that! Kaiju have destroyed this place around seven times! It doesn't help that Babysharkboss2 and Cs constantly publish crackfics! All I want was some variety in the fanm-"
"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Wilson yelled out as he started to twerk in front of everyone. “I’m going to say [REDACTED] while twerking in front of Film's face!”
Everyone gasped again. “How could you?” Dark yelled out. He cupped BF’s ears for dramatic effect. “That’s super ga-”
Before Dark can say something, Gionro killed him by using his stand. Golden Experience Requiem, sending Dark to an infinite death loop.
“What was that for?” Min & Boyfriend yelled out.
Boyfriend continued speaking. “Now who’s going to take care of the dead bodies? I can’t do all of the body disposal by myself!”
Suddenly yet another earthquake was heard. As Sans came into the KFC. Only for The Postal Dude to shoot him dead on the spot.
“Hell no! We’re not having any more cringe games here!” The Postal Dude yelled out.
“How is FNF cringe?” Cs suddenly appeared. But then Devo sent him & Bonigo to the backrooms!”
Hol Horse & Min were shaking now, People were either dead, sucked into the backrooms, or were dealing with the two most diabolical villains in the history of anything.
Wilson then screamed and said, “IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’MMMMM REACHING MYYYYYYYYYYYYYY FULLLLLLLLLL POWER!”
The president was leveling up to his full power, loading his deadly spirit bomb to destroy everyone in this fast food place.
“Oh, God!” Min yelled out. “He’s becoming Goku! What are we supposed to do?”
The Postal Dude & Hol Horse both simply chuckled. Dictator Red eventually joined them after a minute. Hol Horse answered the Jojo wiki admin’s question.
“Simple…” He started in a cold tone. “We fight & summon him!”
Everyone was shaking from fear & KFC grease. Flim was smiling the most wholesome smile of all time despite the fact he was in a Cs story where Giorno kidnapped him & tried to kill his boyfriend. And so… the final battle will begin!
Giorno came in and pulled out his stand and started punching Hol Horse. The cowboy was being pummeled. Giorno cackled until Dark suddenly appeared out of nowhere and immediately impaled the gay anime dude with a ritualistic lance.
“FOR CUBIIIIICCCCC!~” Dark yelled out as he stuck the weapon in Giorno’s heart. His chest now has a bloody hole wide as an empire. Blood stained the KFC as everyone gasped.
“And that’s for stealing my burgers & framing Hol Horse!” Dark said while pissing on Giorno’s corpse. Everyone gasped yet again. BF was shaking. Devo then found out what happened. The doll somehow emerged out of nowhere and started chasing Dark. Chaos was everywhere. Godzilla & Megalon were getting more violent. The giant lizard & cockroach were performing wrestling moves on each other, Min was crying herself to sleep while Flim escaped and started making a fire diss track on Woodrow Wilson with Dictator RED.
Dark was hauling a**. The cube simp was being chased around the restaurant by Devo and his doll. Every time Dark thought he was safe. The doll continued to try to kill the cube until BF did his deadly mic attack! The mic flew in the air with such precision that it hit the doll. The momentum literally disintegrated the doll’s head. Causing Devo to explode into a million pieces.
“NOOOOOO!!! THIS HURTS! NOOOO!” Devo yelled out as his organs & blood splat the floor all over the ground.
Hol Horse screamed out in Shock & Terror. The organs were everywhere. He couldn’t believe it. He screamed out “NO! DARK WHAT THE HELL?”
“Because I’m addicted to beating people up like it’s World War 2!” Dark replied.
Suddenly Wilson came right behind Dark, rage in his eyes. He suddenly uppercut the Cubic simp so hard that it sent Dark to hell.
Everyone gasped again. Hol Horse & The Postal Dude were tired of this madness. So both of the gunmen just opened fire on Wilson. The sound of gunfire and screaming boomed out as Wilson dodged the bullets like nothing. Every bullet was slowly being wasted. The racist president cackled like a madman before raising his spirit bomb.
“This is it!” BF said between gulps. “We’re going to die!”
“No!” Flim yelled out. He suddenly kicked Wilson between the legs. Wilson screamed in pain as Flim pulled out the sudden attack. The Postal Dude then shot Wilson dead on the spot. But to make sure Wilson died for good. Hol Horse bought a KFC-deep fryer. And then Fried Wilson’s dead corpse. Josuke & RED celebrated as Wilson died yet again!
Flim then just ran to The Postal Dude & hugged him really tight.
“It’s good to have you back dude!” Flim said while resting his head on The Postal Dude’s chest.
“Yeah,” The Postal Dude replied as he kissed Film's forehead. “It’s good to see you too my love.”
Hol Horse just stood there with a depressed Min balling her eyes out. BF was confused & was mopping the floor with great effort that no one understood.
Hol Horse stood there as The Postal Dude & Flim were being all romantic with each other with a confused look.
“Damn,” Hol Horse said while eating a chicken sandwich. “This is gay as hell!”
“WHO CARES?!” All the KFC employees said.
“And besides,” Josuke stated while shrugging. “That’s not a bad thing! That just shows how America and democracy are really awesome.”
Hol Horse nodded in agreement.
Meanwhile, Godzilla finally beat up Megalon. After one more punch. The cockroach kaiju left without a trace. Godzilla roared in victory as everyone who survived The KFC incident celebrated this. As Hol Horse and Godzilla gave everyone else a thumbs up.
The End. (By the way, Min survived all of this & didn’t die no matter what she says!)
